Lost

I suddenly feel like I had lost everyone. I was being pretty stupid with whatever I did and it lead me to this. All the people whom I was first close to is now far away from me. I suddenly feel like I should be more quiet. I didn't know why i did that in the first place. It made me seem as if I was a cold person. It was so hard for me to just be comfortable with people and befriend them, especially the loud ones. I don't know why i can't mix with them. It just seemed as if they were so loud that it overwhelmed me. I feel so lost.

'Pa' by Nurul Jannah

Backstory (for 'Pa'):

Since young, Mark was fond of his father’s works of art. Lucky for him, he had inherited his father’s talent in the Arts at a very young age. Since his mother had passed away when he was small, he spent most of his time with his father. Mark often tagged along with his father and his friends to attend some painting and drawing classes organised by different organisations. If they felt staying in, they would paint and draw in their home. They would also visit the Dragon playground – Mark’s favourite place as a child. He loved the structure of it and enjoyed playing there. While he plays, his father would sit and sketch his surroundings.

As he grew older, Mark began to immerse himself more in Fine Arts. He joined many Art competitions and had won quite number of times. He was often praised for his amazing talent. He took Art as a subject in secondary school. However, that was only after his father finally gave in and let him take up that subject. His father didn’t want him to study or take up Arts as a career despite the fact that he had such talent. He did really well for that subject. For his O level* coursework, he had painted a picture of his father and his friends in their painting class and had gotten an excellent overall grade.

When he had gotten his O level results, he was recommended to continue his studies at NAFA*. His father threw a fit about it. Despite that, Mark had submitted his application for NAFA secretly and got in. His father got even angrier when he heard about it. After years of not voicing out, Mark finally told his father that it was what he wanted to do and that he should not get in his way to achieving his dreams of becoming a professional artist. However, that decision Mark made everything worse. Their once very close relationship drifted apart and all that was left was still air.

Pa* by Nurul Jannah

“Hello?”

“Hello, may I speak to Mr Mark Ong?”

“Yes, this is him speaking,”

“We regret to inform you that your father, Mr Melvin Ong, had passed away last week. We need you to come over to collect your father’s things at his house,”

Just one phone call and Mark was on his way back to Singapore. When he heard about the news, he had mixed emotions. Many thoughts ran through his mind during his flight. When was the death? What was the cause of death? He became even more restless. He tried to recall a moment when his father was happy, but all that was left in the fragments of his mind were the fights he had with his father when he enrolled into NAFA. After that incident, both of them just didn’t talk to one another like how they used to. Even when Mark wanted to leave to go overseas to continue doing his work, they didn’t bid farewell to one another. They became like two strangers living under the same roof.

Mark finally arrived in Singapore. He got his baggage, grabbed a taxi then head over to his old house. Funny how he still remembers his old address despite the fact he wanted to forget so much about it. When he finally reached his destination, he stepped out of the taxi and took a deep breath. All of his past memories came flooding. As he walked towards the HDB flat, he observed the surroundings and saw that his favourite Dragon Playground was still there.

“Pa! Draw me peeking out of the dragon’s eye!” Mark exclaimed as he posed for his father.

“Okay, stay still right there,” his father ordered.

In just a few minutes, a new sketch was produced. Mark continued finding other things for his father to sketch. He loved giving his father ideas on what to draw or paint. He was happy watching his father doing something he loved most.

He finally reached his old house. Just when he was about to search for his house key, his neighbour came up to him and handed them to him. They chatted for a while.

“He died due to a drug overdose. The police say it was possible that he had committed suicide. I wonder why he did that. Oh yes, we had arranged a funeral last week as well,” his neighbour said.

“Thank you. Sorry for not being able to arrange it instead,” he apologised.

“It’s okay; we had to do it anyway. We can’t leave him like that. Your Pa was very quiet, didn't interact with anyone much either. We were so shock when we heard that he passed away. Aiyah, I go in first okay? Remember to lock up your house door later,” she reminded him then quickly rushed back to her home.

He unlocked the lock and entered the house with his socks on. He examined the surroundings of the house. The old fashioned textured walls were still there. The furniture was still in the same position. Everything seemed the same.

His father’s room was just like how he remembered it. Bed in the corner, wardrobe beside the window, desk beside the television set which is near the door. His attention was immediately directed towards the magazines and pamphlets on the desk – travel magazines about Australia and travel package pamphlets. Did his father planned to visit him? Or was just coincidental? His father did mention to him once that he wanted to travel to Australia.

He then moved on to his old bedroom. His father had redecorated the room and had placed Mark’s artworks and trophies that he had won in those Art competitions he had entered around the room. It was like how he had decorated his room when he was younger. The one thing that was different from how he had decorated his room then was the big canvas that was placed on the wall near his bed – his O level coursework piece.

“Just paint naturally, Pa! You don’t have to look at me. Follow what Uncle Teo is doing!” Mark ordered.

He quickly took a snap of the moment. He then translated that picture into his O level coursework painting. Unknowingly, it was the last image he will ever take of his father doing something he loved so much.

His father was so proud of him. He even claimed it to be his ‘most prized possession’.

Mark then quickly got up from his room and went ahead to start packing and whatever he has to do. As he was doing his work, he was disturbed by more thoughts. He kept thinking about why his father had committed suicide. There was no letter left behind for Mark or for anyone. He didn’t talk much to anyone. Was his father stressed over something? Did he have so many problems that it resulted to him thinking that committing suicide was the solution? Did he want freedom from everything that he was going through? There was one major assumption that he had come up with but kept avoiding it – was it because of him? He had to admit that he did feel guilty when he heard about his father’s death. After their big fight, his father grew quieter. He then avoided having any form of communication with his friends and family. His father was indeed very lonely but Mark, being his stubborn self, didn’t bother.

After a long day of clearing and cleaning the things, the day had turned into night. After freshening up, instead of picking out one of his clothes, he went through his father’s wardrobe and found his father’s Singapore Die Hard fan club* shirt from the 1994. It was his favourite shirt when he was younger. He loved it because of the print and he would wear even though he was very big on him. He put it on then lied down on his father’s bed.

What if he had listened to his father and did not go to NAFA? Would he have a better relationship with his father? Or would it lead to even more conflict since he was not able to live his dream? Mark constantly thought about how it would be like if he had done that. He wanted to take it all back and if possible, he wanted to re-decide his decision on studying Fine Arts.

He felt angry. He started blaming himself. It was his stupid decision that led him to this. If he had listened to him, they might have a better relationship. They might still be talking to one another. He might still be alive today. His father only had his poker face on after their fight. But inside, he was upset, quiet and had distanced himself from everyone. What was worse was that, Mark knew and hadn’t done anything about it.

He then started blaming his father. Why didn’t he fly to Australia to meet Mark or just call him to talk? Why did he take away his life just like that? Why did he took those pills and killed himself? He didn’t even leave behind a note for him. Mark didn’t know what to do with all of his father’s things and the house. Was this the last image that his father wanted him to remember – the image of his father overdosing on drugs and eventually killed himself?

The next morning, he woke up and continued doing his work, running errands and such. He had also decided to visit his father’s grave. He should at least pay his respects to his father since he was in the country. He put on a simple black shirt that he found in his father’s wardrobe, pants and sneakers then head off to get flowers. When he got downstairs, he bumped into one of his father’s good friends, Uncle Teo. They had a chat for a while. Uncle Teo did most of the talking whereas he just stood there and tried to absorb as much as he could.

“Oh yeah, where are you heading to?” Uncle Teo finally asked.

“To Pa’s grave,”

“Ah I see I see~ Go ahead. Will you be staying here?”

“I don’t think so. I still have some work to complete back in Australia,”

“Ah yes… Oh yeah, Mark. Your Pa, he had a rough time when you were gone. I know he didn’t talk to anyone or anything but everyone knew. He wished he had someone by his side,” he said and patted Mark’s shoulder.

Mark just nodded his head and went ahead to get flowers. He wished he had someone by his side. That sentence got stuck in his head. Did his father miss having his presence in the house?

After about an hour, he finally reached his father’s grave. He cleaned it up then placed the flowers on his grave. The image of his father on the gravestone looked back at him. They had used his father’s image when he was a lot younger. He looked much better and a lot happier.

“Is this the same man who had passed away last week? Is he the same man that had killed himself?” Mark thought to himself.

At that moment, Mark made his decision – he decided to leave Australia and stay in Singapore. Even though Mark was not able to know the reason behind his father’s suicide, he felt that he should stay behind, in his old house. He felt that it was necessary for him – it was a way for him to make up for the years where they kept distancing themselves from one another. He felt that it was a way for him to stay close to his father and ensure that he was not alone even though his father had passed away.

After a few months, Mark became more comfortable, just like how he felt when he was a child. He could finally settle in this place that he call his home. He felt like he was living his childhood memories again. He was happy.

He even set an Arts exhibition in Singapore, which he had originally planned to open up in Australia. At that exhibition, he had arranged to put many of his previous works of art. However, there was one that he had placed especially right in front. It was his O level Art piece – his father’s ‘most prized possession’ – and it was just titled “Pa”.

-FIN-

This is a story I had written for my class and for this assignment, we had incorporate a painting/artifact that we saw at the National Museum into our story. I hope you guys enjoy reading the story!

Explanatory Notes*:

O level - major examination students take in order to move on to tertiary institutes

NAFA - Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts

Pa - a way of calling father

Singapore Die Hard fan club - name of a Singapore soccer fan club back in 1990s